Relationship is more important than result.
...finally, in my parenting experience, I have discovered that it is OK to make mistakes. It is most important to recover and is never too late to do so. I leave you with a beautiful poem for your reflection.
...finally, in my parenting experience, I have discovered that it is OK to make mistakes. It is most important to recover and is never too late to do so. I leave you with a beautiful poem for your reflection.
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"Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. |
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You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the make upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness. For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He also loves the bow that is stable." -Kahlil Gibran |
METATRENDS: A Leadership Publication of Meta Issue 97
"Your children are the greatest gift God will give to you, and their souls the heaviest responsibility He will place in your hands. Take time with them, teach them to have faith in God. Be a person in whom they can have faith. When you are old, nothing else you've done will have mattered as much."
-Lisa Wingate
Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong calls us 'kan cheong' (Overanxious) parents. I was more than over-anxious. I was truly a typical Singapore parent who was over-compensating, over-controlling, and over-functioning. Like many parents, I yearn for my children to be the best or be as perfect as they can. I will not spare any effort or resources to give them the best. My intentions were good but my methods oftentimes were the opposite. To be honest, my wife was less over bearing and less expecting of perfection compared to me.
1. Living my dream and feeding my ego can destroy the child's passion
I had always wanted to be a gymnast. But I did not and could not as my parents never had the luxury to send me to any classes. To compensate, I relished watching gymnastics and gymnasts. I always admired the grace, agility and poise of a gymnast.
I lived in the era of Nadia Comaneci, named one of the athletes of the century and the first gymnast who scored a perfect 10. She was the role model for my children. So from my first child onwards, I sent all of them to gymnastic lessons. I enrolled them from the age of 5 to do 'play gymnastic', slowly increasing the lessons from once to three lessons a week. It gave me self-gratifying joy to see them represent their schools and winning medals. All three of them did their school proud and won many medals during their stint doing gymnastics. Two of them even joined the Combined School squad, which was one step away from the Singapore National Team.
Driven by my dream and ego, I fought my way to form a gymnastics Parent Support Group to ensure that my kids get the best support from their schools, as it was not recognized as a core school sport. I was so driven that nothing could stop me. Then my oldest daughter stopped because she had a back injury. There went dream No. 1.
My son was the next one I expected to live up to my dream. However, after six years of pushing, cajoling and at times, dragging him to gymnastics practice, he was sick and tired of it, and angry. He was then training 4 hours a day, six days a week. Even though his coaches saw great potential in him. I didn't care about his gripes or frustrations. I felt he was not disciplined enough. He expressed unhappiness every time he went for practice. He told me that he hated gymnastics. I tried persuasion and incentives. It didn't work. I then wield my absolute authority as a parent. As a twelve year old boy, he had no choice but to obey.
Not satisfied with the school and association support in Singapore, I even ventured to send him to Australia to pursue my dream of having a world-class gymnast in my family. In other words, I was prepared to go all the way to fulfill my dream and boost my ego. Fortunately, after much discussion with some close friends, I realized that I was feeding my own ego, more than anything else. And I was sacrificing my son at the altar of my ego.
My wonderful and sensitive wife finally persuaded me to give up my dream. It was extremely painful for me when I took my son out of gymnastic lessons.
Then one day, my son finally found his 'flow' in guitar and music. It was a chance event. One Christmas, he asked me to buy him a guitar, which I did. He asked me to teach him to play. The only song I knew was, 'Silent Night, Holy Night'. He took to guitar like a swan to the lake.
As they say, the rest is history. He discovered his true passion and joy. He self-taught and learnt from the best guitarists and musicians, Stevie Ray Von, BB King, Eric Clapton, Tommy Emmanuel, and Tuk & Patti from the YouTube.
We didn't have to push him. Each day, he would practice his music with deep passion and incredible commitment. His zest for music led him to develop his own style of guitar playing, Funky Thumb Stuff (see on YouTube orwww.shunng.com). He composes his own songs and has an amazing soulful voice.
He discovered his bliss in using music to touch young people's lives, to be more compassionate for the under-privileged. He has performed in several concerts to raise funds for worthy causes. Today he is studying in one of the top music schools in the world, the Berklee College of Music in Boston.
C. JoyBell is right, "I think that the best thing we can do for our children is to allow them to do things for themselves, allow them to be strong, allow them to experience life on their own terms, allow them to take the subway...let them be better people, let them believe more in themselves."
-Lisa Wingate
Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong calls us 'kan cheong' (Overanxious) parents. I was more than over-anxious. I was truly a typical Singapore parent who was over-compensating, over-controlling, and over-functioning. Like many parents, I yearn for my children to be the best or be as perfect as they can. I will not spare any effort or resources to give them the best. My intentions were good but my methods oftentimes were the opposite. To be honest, my wife was less over bearing and less expecting of perfection compared to me.
1. Living my dream and feeding my ego can destroy the child's passion
I had always wanted to be a gymnast. But I did not and could not as my parents never had the luxury to send me to any classes. To compensate, I relished watching gymnastics and gymnasts. I always admired the grace, agility and poise of a gymnast.
I lived in the era of Nadia Comaneci, named one of the athletes of the century and the first gymnast who scored a perfect 10. She was the role model for my children. So from my first child onwards, I sent all of them to gymnastic lessons. I enrolled them from the age of 5 to do 'play gymnastic', slowly increasing the lessons from once to three lessons a week. It gave me self-gratifying joy to see them represent their schools and winning medals. All three of them did their school proud and won many medals during their stint doing gymnastics. Two of them even joined the Combined School squad, which was one step away from the Singapore National Team.
Driven by my dream and ego, I fought my way to form a gymnastics Parent Support Group to ensure that my kids get the best support from their schools, as it was not recognized as a core school sport. I was so driven that nothing could stop me. Then my oldest daughter stopped because she had a back injury. There went dream No. 1.
My son was the next one I expected to live up to my dream. However, after six years of pushing, cajoling and at times, dragging him to gymnastics practice, he was sick and tired of it, and angry. He was then training 4 hours a day, six days a week. Even though his coaches saw great potential in him. I didn't care about his gripes or frustrations. I felt he was not disciplined enough. He expressed unhappiness every time he went for practice. He told me that he hated gymnastics. I tried persuasion and incentives. It didn't work. I then wield my absolute authority as a parent. As a twelve year old boy, he had no choice but to obey.
Not satisfied with the school and association support in Singapore, I even ventured to send him to Australia to pursue my dream of having a world-class gymnast in my family. In other words, I was prepared to go all the way to fulfill my dream and boost my ego. Fortunately, after much discussion with some close friends, I realized that I was feeding my own ego, more than anything else. And I was sacrificing my son at the altar of my ego.
My wonderful and sensitive wife finally persuaded me to give up my dream. It was extremely painful for me when I took my son out of gymnastic lessons.
Then one day, my son finally found his 'flow' in guitar and music. It was a chance event. One Christmas, he asked me to buy him a guitar, which I did. He asked me to teach him to play. The only song I knew was, 'Silent Night, Holy Night'. He took to guitar like a swan to the lake.
As they say, the rest is history. He discovered his true passion and joy. He self-taught and learnt from the best guitarists and musicians, Stevie Ray Von, BB King, Eric Clapton, Tommy Emmanuel, and Tuk & Patti from the YouTube.
We didn't have to push him. Each day, he would practice his music with deep passion and incredible commitment. His zest for music led him to develop his own style of guitar playing, Funky Thumb Stuff (see on YouTube orwww.shunng.com). He composes his own songs and has an amazing soulful voice.
He discovered his bliss in using music to touch young people's lives, to be more compassionate for the under-privileged. He has performed in several concerts to raise funds for worthy causes. Today he is studying in one of the top music schools in the world, the Berklee College of Music in Boston.
C. JoyBell is right, "I think that the best thing we can do for our children is to allow them to do things for themselves, allow them to be strong, allow them to experience life on their own terms, allow them to take the subway...let them be better people, let them believe more in themselves."
2. The 'kiasu' (Fear of losing) syndrome can demoralize them.
Being first time parents, Alison and I wanted to make sure that our first child Meixi had all the education and exposures she could get. Besides gymnastics classes, after school and during the weekends, we would send her for art classes, ballet lessons, and Chinese remedial. During the school vacation, we ensure that she was ahead by sending her to leadership camps, science camps, and special mathematics camps. We even bought a piano just in case she was musically talented.
Poor Meixi was a victim of our 'kiasu' syndrome. Some things she enjoyed doing, others she was obviously bored and had no interest in. I was trying to develop the 'perfect' kid. All the hurrying and scurrying, made us as exhausted as she was. What we had was a kid who was frenzied and disorientated. At one point, she was hospitalized because she overly stressed and throwing up as she was over-functioning. It was a wake up call for us.
I realized that being a 'kiasu' parent was destroying my child's emotional health as I pushed her to do things. She was unduly stretched and overly stressed. I was not sure if she enjoyed her childhood. (I loved my childhood.) We seldom enjoy our parenting. We were overly stressed.
Today, I have learnt not to push myself so hard by pushing my kids. Fortunately, we are grateful that despite our pushing and shoving, thank God, she turned out to be a wonderful daughter. When Meixi was eleven, one of the things we did well was to send her and her brother to experience the slums in Hyderabad in India. That's when I discovered her true passion.
It was indeed a life-changing experience for her as she learned compassion. Since then, every year, our family would go to Chiang Rai to help a group of Lahu hill tribe children and channeled her energy to that. Last year, she spent a year in Mexico to help educate the poorest kids there. She now has developed deep compassion for education reform, especially in the most marginalized communities.
Bill Ayers' wise axiom is, "Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them."
Being first time parents, Alison and I wanted to make sure that our first child Meixi had all the education and exposures she could get. Besides gymnastics classes, after school and during the weekends, we would send her for art classes, ballet lessons, and Chinese remedial. During the school vacation, we ensure that she was ahead by sending her to leadership camps, science camps, and special mathematics camps. We even bought a piano just in case she was musically talented.
Poor Meixi was a victim of our 'kiasu' syndrome. Some things she enjoyed doing, others she was obviously bored and had no interest in. I was trying to develop the 'perfect' kid. All the hurrying and scurrying, made us as exhausted as she was. What we had was a kid who was frenzied and disorientated. At one point, she was hospitalized because she overly stressed and throwing up as she was over-functioning. It was a wake up call for us.
I realized that being a 'kiasu' parent was destroying my child's emotional health as I pushed her to do things. She was unduly stretched and overly stressed. I was not sure if she enjoyed her childhood. (I loved my childhood.) We seldom enjoy our parenting. We were overly stressed.
Today, I have learnt not to push myself so hard by pushing my kids. Fortunately, we are grateful that despite our pushing and shoving, thank God, she turned out to be a wonderful daughter. When Meixi was eleven, one of the things we did well was to send her and her brother to experience the slums in Hyderabad in India. That's when I discovered her true passion.
It was indeed a life-changing experience for her as she learned compassion. Since then, every year, our family would go to Chiang Rai to help a group of Lahu hill tribe children and channeled her energy to that. Last year, she spent a year in Mexico to help educate the poorest kids there. She now has developed deep compassion for education reform, especially in the most marginalized communities.
Bill Ayers' wise axiom is, "Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them."
3. Losing face can kill parent-child relationship
My youngest daughter, Meizhi, studied in Methodist Girls Primary School. She was an average student. We had learnt our lesson in bringing up the two older ones that we didn't want to push her too hard. Although there was occasional prodding, we largely left her to herself to manage her own study schedule.
When her PSLE (Primary School Leaving Exam, a national exam that grades all students in Singapore and determines her posting to secondary/high school) result came out, it was a 'disaster'! That year, her school had decided to raise the bar and only accepted students of a standard score. She was one of twelve students who missed the cut. Being a few points short, she was sent to a 'neighborhood' school.
We were devastated. We chided her daily for not studying hard enough. For one week, we were furious and expressed our disappointments in no uncertain terms. She was already feeling bad. I made her feel more guilty. Our relationship deteriorated. I felt I had lost 'face'. How could we face our friends to inform them that she had now gone to some unknown neighborhood school? What kind of English would she learn? We were worried the environment would be bad for her well-heeled English, and mixing around with neighborhood kids. What about 'gangsterism' and 'bad company'? And what about the anxiety over boy-girl relationships now that she was going to an integrated school?
We were gripped with unfounded fear. We went into a tailspin of what I would call 'Imagination of The Worst Possible'. After one week of my unreasonable and relational-destructive behaviors, I came to my senses that I was more concerned about myself, the loss of 'face than my daughter's welfare, emotional health and most of all, our relationship.
My wife was more sympathetic and reminded me that relationship was more important than results. I changed my perspective. I adopted a different posture. I recognized that the problem was with me and my 'face-losing' trauma. I apologized to my daughter. We became more supportive and encouraging. I was proven wrong again.
Going to the neighborhood school was one of the best things that happened to her and to us, as parents. Meizhi did extremely well in the school, academically, socially and artistically. Her leadership skills began to blossom as her school nominated her to emcee events. Normally, this privilege was given to senior students. For a Secondary one student to be the emcee was a rarity for any school. She mingled well and made good friends with boys and girls and developed incredible social skills. She took part in dramas. She really matured!
My youngest daughter, Meizhi, studied in Methodist Girls Primary School. She was an average student. We had learnt our lesson in bringing up the two older ones that we didn't want to push her too hard. Although there was occasional prodding, we largely left her to herself to manage her own study schedule.
When her PSLE (Primary School Leaving Exam, a national exam that grades all students in Singapore and determines her posting to secondary/high school) result came out, it was a 'disaster'! That year, her school had decided to raise the bar and only accepted students of a standard score. She was one of twelve students who missed the cut. Being a few points short, she was sent to a 'neighborhood' school.
We were devastated. We chided her daily for not studying hard enough. For one week, we were furious and expressed our disappointments in no uncertain terms. She was already feeling bad. I made her feel more guilty. Our relationship deteriorated. I felt I had lost 'face'. How could we face our friends to inform them that she had now gone to some unknown neighborhood school? What kind of English would she learn? We were worried the environment would be bad for her well-heeled English, and mixing around with neighborhood kids. What about 'gangsterism' and 'bad company'? And what about the anxiety over boy-girl relationships now that she was going to an integrated school?
We were gripped with unfounded fear. We went into a tailspin of what I would call 'Imagination of The Worst Possible'. After one week of my unreasonable and relational-destructive behaviors, I came to my senses that I was more concerned about myself, the loss of 'face than my daughter's welfare, emotional health and most of all, our relationship.
My wife was more sympathetic and reminded me that relationship was more important than results. I changed my perspective. I adopted a different posture. I recognized that the problem was with me and my 'face-losing' trauma. I apologized to my daughter. We became more supportive and encouraging. I was proven wrong again.
Going to the neighborhood school was one of the best things that happened to her and to us, as parents. Meizhi did extremely well in the school, academically, socially and artistically. Her leadership skills began to blossom as her school nominated her to emcee events. Normally, this privilege was given to senior students. For a Secondary one student to be the emcee was a rarity for any school. She mingled well and made good friends with boys and girls and developed incredible social skills. She took part in dramas. She really matured!
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Today, she is a final year student at School of the Arts, pursuing her dream as a theatre major and completing her International Baccalaureate. Her self-confidence is up, her self-esteem strengthened and most of all, our parent-child relation is strong, even though we still have skirmishes and fights now and then.
As Dorothy Parker says, "The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires." |
A fantastic testimony made available via the internet, forwarded by our Family Life pastor.
May you who read it be so blessed! |
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